*suddenly becomes self-conscious*

Hey there,

I was in the communal bit of the library today – for those of you non-UCL people, or scientists who’ve never actually been to the main library – which is a small circular area with benches and chairs that people can chat and eat in, safe from the crushing obligation to do work of the library proper.

I was originally going to write a Local Celebrities post about a woman with a bizarre way of using her laptop, as she placed the computer on a chair then sat cross-legged in front of it on the floor, but have decided against such a thing.

Instead of highlighting the quirks of another, I’m going to write about my own quirks; I have gone from the online documenter, to the online documented.

Because I realised, oh too late, that for a good few people there I would be that guy; that person with a particular quirk or trait you see in public, and go home to tell your friends about in a vaguely smug and sneering manner. It doesn’t matter if you’ve cured cancer or fought crime, if you trip over a kerb and squeal reflexively you’ll be The Guy Who Tripped And Sounded Like A Pig to some idiot and their friends for the next hour.

And today, I fell into that category.

I ate some crisps in an otherwise silent room.

Now, I must stress that I wasn’t breaking any rules. Food is allowed in this space, and most of the people around me were eating, or chatting away happily. But then they stopped eating. And the conversations trickled away. Then the footfall of passers-by stopped, depriving me of the cover of even simple footsteps. It was suddenly silent.





Frak. I’d so become that guy. I could feel their looks, their quickly-averted gazes as I worked my way through my lunch with increasing hurriedness, that only served to make my chewing louder and more frantic, disruption born out of the ironic fear of being disruptive. One of them probably runs a blog with their middle name plastered all over the URL for no good reason, and they’re gonna write about me on their sardonic, black-backgrounded online canvas.

Perhaps not, but the idea still works; I’ve been more aware of what people think of me in the last few months, and now that self-awareness is seeping into my (albeit limited) interactions with strangers. I’m not cripplingly self-aware – it’s not like I abandoned the crisps as soon as I realised people might be looking at me – but it’s something that’s registering on my mind, whereas in the past I’d have imagined myself in a bubble where there are no other people and I can act as I please.

Because I can’t act as if I’m the most important person in the world; I’m simply not. It didn’t take a packet of crisps to tell me this, but it’s a nice metaphor.


Author: JP Casey

They/them. Chaotic gender neutral. Straight Edge. Writer. Journalist. User of full stops.

8 thoughts on “*suddenly becomes self-conscious*”

  1. Oh my goodness I got all sad when I saw that you’d abandoned your old blog but then I scrolled to the bottom of the post and saw this and YES! Hey there, by the way, ya might not remember me but I’m Z (mathematical ex-lover of GCSE Geography for which I am revising right now – although in all honesty, I came and googled your blog because I came across a thalweg and was all “Hey whatever happened to James?”) However, revision shall have to wait because I need to catch up on reading!
    Also, how do I follow this blog? Or is it one of those blogs designed to be like, just read?


      But not ‘James’ any more :’) Honestly that’s about it in terms of catching-up.

      Reading > revision. 100%

      And I do not know 🙁 I think there’s a mailing list over on the right, but I’m still working it out :/

      1. Okay Casey! Sorry for saying James. It won’t happen again! God I’m getting so emotional right now – I’ll try and see if I can follow using my reader or something (if not then I shall regularly type up your blog myself – yes it’s worth doing so).

        Welp I shall switch neatly into BP then (instead of Z). My new blog uses BP. (Banoffee Pie)

        It’s so nice to see you blogging – have you been generally well?

        1. ENSURE THAT IT DOESN’T (it’s okay I forget half the time myself :p)

          Sorry for any extra hassle this causes :/

          And hello BP! It rhymes 🙂 I look forward to reading your new blog!

          Generally ‘no’, but today I’m okay. Yourself?

          1. No hassle at all!

            Lol don’t be. Literally my writing sucks right now. I can’t write half-decently anymore.

            Aww 🙁 I hope today’s okay can remain and expand? Do people say that? I just want you to be happy. So good luck.
            Me? Ack – same here. No. But I’m working on it.

          2. I’m sure it doesn’t 🙂 I’ll be able to give you some evidence for that when I have a minute to read your stuff :3

            And I’ve not heard that but it’s a fab phrase that I’m totally gonna steal. And thank you friend!

            I feel like no-one is ever really okay and that all we can do is work on it. But now I sound like a My Chemical Romance song, which is either a great thing or a terrible thing.

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